I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
