You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
