remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
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I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
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Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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