I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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