We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
