remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear