i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize
