I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"