my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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