Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
