he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
