i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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