I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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