the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
