so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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