i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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