I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
your room smells of hookers.
And success
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
