If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
