I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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