if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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