now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
