I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
