The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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