I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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