I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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