mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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