I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
two words...techno handjob
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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