i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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