1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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