You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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