I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
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