Can Purell be used as lube?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
