yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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