I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
