I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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