I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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