you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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