he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
