seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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