Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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