By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME