I wish I could teleport
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.