Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
