life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
