just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the day after is always just damage control
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
