Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
