So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
