Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
