i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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