k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
