Im at strip club and am horny
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
