dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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