if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I currently don't understand fingers.
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