He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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