just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
