Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
