tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
