i permit you to call me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
